Warlizard Stories
This is just a collection of stories from an odd life. I may not always do the right thing, hell, I’m not even sure I ever do the right thing, but it seems to work out and I have a lot of adventures. And I prefer that any day of the week. I’m here now in my life and happy as a clam.
But I jumped through every door with my eyes wide open, hoping for something fun on the other side. You don’t do that, you may as well be dead.
About Betty
My new fiancée Betty and I were sitting on the couch, watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show when she looked over at me and casually said, “My first orgasm came from a dog.”
As I sat there stunned, trying to control my reactions and collect myself, I had two immediate thoughts:
1. Now I know why my dog likes her better.
2. I wish this were the worst thing she’d ever told me.
Our relationship started as a blind date. My buddy was dating Betty’s twin sister and read more…
Cheating & Winning a Kissing Contest
The job in D.C was fun, but my last year there I spent 362 days on the road and I was just burnt. I wasn’t making enough money to matter and decided I was done. The client site was located in central New Jersey and I was sick of hotels, airports and conference calls. I knew if I saw another minibar or had to use another tiny bottle of shampoo I’d lose it. I decided life was too short to wear a suit and tie and told my boss I was done.
My Army buddies Dirk and Karin were only a few hours north of there and when I told them I was quitting they told me to bring my ass up there. They lived right outside of read more …
I Get Even
We were in KKMC (King Khalid Military City, Saudi Arabia) when we heard we were going home. We’d been sitting around for a few months while the powers-that-be considered our fate and we were restless as hell. No one knew if we’d be staying for another 6 months, re-deploying back to Germany, or sent somewhere new, so we were going stir-crazy.
Some General somewhere finally realized that keeping German and Russian linguists sitting around doing nothing was pointless, so he decided read more…
The Arrest
I’m writing these stories as I think of them and so there’s no real order. This one’s a pretty good one but I want to tell you 100%, don’t do this at home… Seriously.
This happened back in the summer of ’95 when I was in college, right after Betty and I had broken up. I’d moved into an apartment right across the street from the Humanities Building in Columbia, SC, mostly for convenience since all my classes were less than 5 minutes away.
Since I was right on the street, read more…
Back In the Saddle
After a breakup, I always feel like shit. It doesn’t matter who initiates it – the fact that I’m alone and the intimacy I had is gone is a blow to my confidence. Fortunately, there’s a surefire way to fix it. I’m not the first to observe it and I won’t be the last, but the best cure for a woman is another woman.
Betty and I had just separated and although it was definitely for the best, I was moping around, avoiding my friends, missing the sex and the house was quiet. I knew what I needed. I needed read more…
The Married Girl
Ok. This was in Germany and is one of the many things I’m not especially proud of…
There was this girl who lived in the apartment building, a few floors down. I don’t know why, but she took a bit of a liking to me and kinda hovered around. She was married to a gigantic infantry guy who was as nice as he could be. She was … at best, lumpy. She wasn’t exactly fat, but she had this look of bovine confusion that made me want to disappear every time she came to bring me cookies, or whatever. I dunno, she was just … dull.
Anyway, one night my friends and I read more…
My new fiancée Betty and I were sitting on the couch, watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show when she looked over at me and casually said, “My first orgasm came from a dog.”
As I sat there stunned, trying to control my reactions and collect myself, I had two immediate thoughts:
1. Now I know why my dog likes her better.
2. I wish this were the worst thing she’d ever told me.
Our relationship started as a blind date.
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