If you could date any Disney Princess, who would it be?
Let’s break it down…
- Snow White is dumb as a brick and believes everything she’s told. That’s cool, but not long term.
- Cinderella is always playing the victim and has daddy issues.
- Sleeping Beauty? Please. If I wanted to fuck a corpse, I’d fuck a corpse.
- Ariel? Tough one here. She’s fun, cool, does whatever the hell she wants, but the whole “my ass can turn scaly” freaks me out. Have to pass.
- Belle? Gold digger. She’s gonna fuck the guy with the castle.
- Jasmine is the hot and sexy chick who’s has your back when things get rough but knows how to treat a man. You can’t go wrong with Jasmine.
- Mulan? Gay. Just doesn’t know it yet.
- Tiana? New Orleans is hot and sticky. Would never work out.
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I want to participate in and (hopefully) win a hot dog eating contest. What should I do for my training?
The competitive advantage that all hotdog eating champions enjoy is not size or stomach, it’s esophagus size. The best way to enlarge yours is gay porn. Now before you reject this out of hand, consider the benefits:
- You’ll be in great shape. Everyone knows gay people work out a lot, and to do gay porn you’ll need to be fit. What better motivation can you have?
- Once you get the job, ask to do interracial porn. Nudge nudge you know what I mean.
- The next step is horse porn. Blowing the brothers should have prepared you for this, but blowing a stallion should really loosen you up.
- Now you can relate to people who do eating contests and it’s time to select the person who you will sponsor. Visit local eating contests until you find someone who can really chow down.
- Keep feeding them hotdogs until they can win!
- Congratulations, you’ve participated in and hopefully your guy has won a hotdog eating contest!
Good luck 
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I’d like to get involved in extortion but don’t know where to start. Any pointers?
OMG, it’s easy.
- Get a list of IBM / Apple / Microsoft executives.
- Get their e-mail addresses.
- Create a temp email account.
- Send ALL of them an email that says simply “I know about her. One Thousand Dollars Cash and your wife will never know.” Include a post office box and send off the email.
- Most of them are having affairs. The ones who aren’t will laugh it off and think it’s a joke, but some will know it’s real. The ones who respond will be the ones who have something to hide.
- Stalk them. Get proof. Send pictures to them. Send new email that says “You had your chance at $1000, now it’s $5000.” Give post office box.
- If you have more than one who responds, send the pictures to the wife of one of them. Blind copy everyone who is having an affair letting them know you’re outing someone and it could have been them.
- Send another email that says “You had your chance at $5000, now it’s 10k.” Give post office box.
- Profit!
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Do you ever feel like you are just “killing time” every single day?
No. Every single fucking day I wake up like a goddam bull, ready to charge out and destroy everything in my path. Maybe I’ll start a new business, maybe I’ll buy a house, maybe I’ll get in my car and drive to Texas, I don’t fucking know, but I’m going to do something that makes me happy. Sure, I used to be sad and pathetic like you, not sure what I wanted to do with my life, until I realized, there is no “single thing”. I want everything. I want thick juicy steaks still dripping blood, I want wide-open blue skies, endless summer, ice cold glacier water out of the skull of my enemy. I want to fuck until I scream, drive up the face of a cliff, ride horses in France, blow 10 grand on peanut butter or maybe just buy the biggest suite in the place and sit around ordering pay-per-view. It’s your goddam life you spineless fuck, no one is going to live it for you. You better wake the fuck up now, or you’re going to turn around, look at your Chrysler Minivan, your mortgage, your pot-belly and your thinning hair and wonder with crushing regret where it all went, how you got here, and what the fuck do you do now? Goddam, I want to slap you and wake you the fuck up. You want to know what to do? LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE and go explore. Fuck a midget. Create a stand-up routine and do open mike night. Yeah, you aren’t funny. Get over it. Learn something new. Go out and live.
Then again, there is something to be said for a nice nap.
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My brother-in-law is a troll. He gets in flame wars on Facebook with everyone and it’s getting to be a bit much. I’m so sick of this guy I honestly just want to cut him off. What should I do?
I know just what to do. You need to get him arrested as a pedophile and when he registers as a sex offender, Facebook won’t let him post anymore.
Here’s what to do:
- You need to have a fair amount of child porn and the easiest way to get that is to get a good P2P client. Download Limewire and then search for words like “pre-teen hardcore sex”, “lolita”, and baby sex”.
- To get the really harsh stuff, go to the IRC channels that specialize in it, like “#disneykids” and the like. Just post that you’re “Doing research into pedophiles and need some good examples of what they like.” The people there will be glad to help.
- You need to get his computer infected with a virus that gives you full access. I don’t know much about this but just search on “downloadable trojan viruses” and you can get pretty much anything you can think of.
- To really make this work, you’ll need to get some good pictures of kids at the playground. Go get a digital SLR with a telephoto lens and get as many closeups of young kids as you can. Drive the same type of car he drives, but before you go out, switch the license plate with his. Wear a hat and heavy sunglasses. Make sure you get seen and that someone has time to write down the plates.
- Take control of his computer, copy all the pictures and videos over. Make an anonymous phone call saying you saw this creeper taking pictures of kids. Give the police the plate number.
- By this time, the police should have received several complaints, along with the plate number and that should be enough for a warrant. When they search his computer, they’ll find a ton of child porn and he’ll get gang raped in prison. When he gets out, Facebook won’t have anything to do with him.
Good luck
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