Back in the saddle
After a breakup, I always feel like shit. It doesn’t matter who initiates it – the fact that I’m alone and the intimacy I had is gone is a blow to my confidence. Fortunately, there’s a surefire way to fix it. I’m not the first to observe it and I won’t be the last, but the best cure for a woman is another woman.
Betty and I had just separated and although it was definitely for the best, I was moping around, avoiding my friends, missing the sex and the house was quiet. I knew what I needed. I needed someone new, someone different, someone who didn’t know me or my flaws and who was as seamlessly perfect as only a new girl can be.
At the time I was working at a little computer store and one of my duties was purchasing. I was responsible for keeping the store stocked up with things to sell and this put me in contact with distributors all over the city. One day not too long after the breakup I was talking to one of the reps of a local company and realized she was hitting on me. Well, that was just what I needed so I started flirting back and next thing I knew I had a lunch date for that Saturday. I cleaned up a bit, made sure my clothes passed the sniff test and headed out.
To say I was disappointed would be an epic understatement. She was one of the most physically unattractive people I’d ever seen. She was ugly, bad complected, and going bald. Her greasy thinning blond hair hung limply, her clothes were rumpled and unflattering and she was shaped like a triangle. No chest, big ass. She did, however, have a giant smile and seemed genuinely happy to be there and looking forward to our date.
As you may have picked up by now, my philosophy is to try everything, to go through every door, to live a life of openness and adventure but damn, this one was going to be tough. She was extremely flirty and coming on hard and I knew where this was going. In my mind, the mental struggle ensued. I knew we’d get back and have sex. No question about it. But was it worth it? I decided it was.
There was no way I could do her sober, so we headed back to my place, I poured myself a generous slug of Jim Beam and started pounding it. I was committed to getting back in the saddle, so to speak, and the more I drank, the more fun I started having and you know what? She wasn’t really that bad after all! Sure, she didn’t have the body type I really liked but hey, she had a body and why shouldn’t we have fun? And who was I to discard her just because of her non-traditional looks? She was a human being, dammit. Half-wrecked and full of optimism, I led her back to my bedroom.
Even through the alcoholic haze and impaired judgment, I almost punted when I saw her naked. She wasn’t one of those girls who has an awesome body and clothes hide it. It was the other way around and her clothes were bad to start. I remember staring at her in horror and wondering if there were any ways out for me. Her tits were like tube socks, and one was longer than the other. She had zits on her chest. She had bad teeth. She was wholly unappealing, but dammit, I needed to get back in the saddle and she was there.
I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on some of my more interesting conquests but this chick was crazy annoying and wouldn’t shut up. Every word she said took me out of fantasy-land and reminded me of the person beneath me. The alcohol filter started to wear off and my good feelings went with it. I started being a real jerk. Every time she was about to orgasm, I’d stop, just to be annoying, but that turned her on even more and she thought I was teasing her to be sexy. Dear god, how was I going to get her out? While I was pondering my exit strategy, she said, “I wonder what it would be like in the other place. I wonder if it would hurt?”
Oh for fuck’s sake.
I had just ended a relationship with a girl who needed her ass plunged daily and the VERY NEXT GIRL is trying to coquettishly lead me down the same highway? Not just no, but HELL no. Oh, and, by the way, you know that little brown ring, the reason girls get ass-bleaching? Well she had one too. But it was damn near the size of a coaster. No way in hell I was doing that.
Anyway, she was beneath me, arms above her head, tube sock drooping into each armpit, and my phone rang. Hey, any excuse to stop, right? I got up to answer it and it was my Dad.
He was just calling to say Hi, and the Beast decided it would be funny to mess with me, so she started blowing me while I was still on the phone. Ok, now I had two choices:
1. Get off the phone.
2. Get off while ON the phone.
I chose the latter, just to be able to say I’d done it. I closed my eyes, let her finish me off, hung up with my Dad, and told her we’d get together soon. She told me next time we’d have a threesome with her pregnant, bisexual roommate.
Dear god.
There was just no way so I avoided her until she stopped calling. I’m not proud of my reaction but hey, at least I was back in the saddle.
Enjoyed the story? Want more?
Warlizard has just released his new book, “The Warlizard Chronicles: Adventures with Vodka, Women and War” with over 200 pages of hilarious and bawdy, stories, anecdotes and advice.
Buy it on Amazon – The Warlizard Chronicles: Adventures with Vodka, Women, & War
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